Gaaaaazing

Since I am not done mentally editing my most recent life event, (My trip to the Wal Mart that resembled the Superdome.) I have chosen to share a few of my deep observations.

1. I've heard that King Kong could have been shortened by 1/2 an hour if they only would have cut out all the "gazing." At first I though she said "dancing," and I said, "There is a lot of dancing in King Kong?" And she said "No, gaaazing, you know like staring into each others eyes?" My friend Scott said that we are lucky that it wasn't 6 hours with that Lord of the Rings guy directing it.

2. I see lots of people buying six packs of Old Milwaukee Beer in my local Marathon at 6 in the morning. I was wondering if they were planning ahead for the evening, or were just alcoholics. The early polls of Bloggers named Craig say alcoholics.

3. I will wait until my windshield wipers are practically shredded before I change them. I will try to see out the postage stamp sized area that they actually clean for me. It's not that I get attached to them or sentimental, I'm just too lazy to go to Autozone to get new ones.

Lunch Discussion 12/23/05

What do some of the people responsible for saving your life at the hospital talk about during lunch? Well I'll tell ya.

We all decided that it was "bullshit" that we were having to work today given that Christmas Eve was tomorrow and hardly anyone else had to work.

The debate raged on about why Brad chose Angelina over Jen. Angelina was considered a skank by most, but I countered that Jen was probably a prude. I said that he chose Angelina because she was more of a freak. The girls said that maybe Jen was a closet freak. I said that she may have been at first, but then dialed it down after she settled into the relationship. Brooke still cannot be convinced to make out with ANY chick, not even Angelina.

The discussion then moved onto the grossess of public pools. Brooke refuses to swim in public pools because water that has been in contact with people's buttholes can come into contact with her mouth. A unanimous decision was reached that this was really disgusting. I then recouinted the time I was little and swimming in Wilson Pool near my house and saw a turd underwater. The effectiveness of Chlorine was doubted.

Another mentioned that they would like to go to Kings Island's water park one time, but I said that I'm pretty sure only hillbillies go there. I then stated that The Beach Waterpark is getting old and slimey.

End of lunch.

The Flying Dentures

There are a few things that 8 year olds find absolutely hilarious, that adults don't find funny at all.

We were cruising in our killer van with Cragar mags. My dad had decided that the regular van seating was too expensive when he bought it, but had no problem ponying up the dough for the Cragars. Me and my brothers were sitting in the black love seat my dad had wedged into the back for us.

All was right in the world until he leaned out the window to sneeze, and his false teeth flew out the freaking window and onto the street. Me and my brothers went crazy. It was pandemonium. It's not every day that you see your dad's teeth fly by the window. We were bouncing up on the couch like chimps trying to see the dentures on the road.

This did not strike my father as funny at all. He slammed on the brakes, and pulled a U turn. He was going back to retrieve his teeth. We were told to "shut up, sit down."

I figured that they would be in a thousand pieces, but they weren't. They were barely scathed. I'm pretty sure that he glued them back together and went on with his business. The teeth lasted until the unfortunate day the front wheel flew off his ten speed.

One Legged Baby Jesus

Found.

Ok, Maybe Not...

Michael G 12/13/2005 >>>>

I have no report of a capture.

>>> Craig Breedlove 12/12/2005 9:15 AM >>>
Have your undercover officers caught the perpetrators yet?

Thanks, Craig

Ok, iPod stealer, maybe I underestimated you. I thought that for sure the Special Ops division of the UC Campus police would capture or maim you. The CSI team is now ralleying to look for hairs or microbes or what not. Every crimial leaves a clue. Just don't pay any attention to the orange pylon that is following you around in the garage.

iPod Stealer, You're Going Down

Hey iPod stealer, I hope you like the view from behind bars, because the UC Police department will not rest until they apprehend you. How do I know? I have proof, an assurance from the VP of the hospital that they have a covert operation underway at this moment. And he would never lie to me, would he? Here is a copy of the email, and my response:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My response:

They must be REALLY well disguised, because I never see them in there.
Are they dressed as orange pylons by any chance? I have seen those in
there numerous times. Craig



>>> 12/9/2005 1:57 PM >>>
Please give the staff this update.

Manager lady

>>> Michael G 12/9/2005 1:50 PM >>>
Yes, we know (I read all police reports daily) and have been monitoring
it closely. We have both uniformed and plain clothes units in the
garage, as well as our motorist assistant keeping and eye out. Hopefully
we will catch the miscreants.

>>> Manager lady: 12/9/2005 1:31 PM >>>
Michael:

I am sure that you have heard about the many auto thefts that have
occurred in the North Garage. Is there any way to have a security guard
patrol the North Garage on a regular basis?

Manager lady.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


So, see? They have a top secret undercover operation underway right now. Probably snipers too. So watch your six.

Found!!

If you have read this blog before, you may remember the list of items that have disappeared since I had gotten a roommate. Well, I have good news. My favorite hat has been found!

The hat was recently located underneath the vacuum cleaner caked in baby powder. Yes, I know that in any other house or apartment something lost underneath the vacuum cleaner would probably be found within a week. The baby powder is another story. I'm not sure how it gets everywhere, all I know is that it does.

I am hoping with weeks of rehab the bill can be bent back into the shape it was in before this horrible incident. Luckily, I did not activate the "Love Chip" in my new hat yet.

Thanks for all your cards and letters.

Perfect North Devastation

"Only pussies ski," my friend dutifully informed me when I was trying to decide which to get at the rental booth at Perfect North Slopes. He didn't seem to care that 4 guys standing next to us were holding skis. My friends never cared much about offending other people, and it was one of the reasons I liked hanging out with them. I headed to the slopes, and left behind the booth that I determined smelled a lot like the Cat House at the zoo.

I took a few practice turns and decided that I was ready for bigger things. Besides, the bunny hill is at the bottom of the run, and I decided that it smelled like a septic tank down there. I had arrived at a dangerous point in the learning curve. Good enough to get up enough speed to hurt myself, not good enough to stay on my feet.

I was heading down the hill way too fast for my own good. I leaned back, trying to slow down, then WHAM, I slammed backward square on my ass and head. I slid for about 8 more feet, prone, dazed. I looked up at the stars. I heard my friends laughing at me from the ski lift overhead. "Whoooaa, was that Craig? Wow. Damn, that had to hurt, hahahaha."

I started to take inventory. My head was still attached, but hurting. My board was laying next to me. My hat was gone, and my jacket had come partially unzipped. I started to think about getting out of there before I got ran over when I looked up and saw a Mexican kid with my hat in his hands. "Is this yours?" he said. I just reached up and grabbed it. I think that I said thanks. He then spotted an empty mini liquor bottle and inquired whether that was mine too. I told him that it wasn't, but I'm sure that he didn't believe me.

I slowly gathered myself, and started snow boarding again. I didn't wreck hard the rest of the night. But my head and ass hurt for a week. And I'll always remember the Mexican kid returning my hat to me. And my friends laughing like jackals from the ski lift.

One Car Pile Up

Many times I have gone through the drive thru and wondered just who would be dumb enough to wreck into that pole on the corner before the first window. It always looks likes it has been tagged about 50 times, but I have never seen this actually happen, until today.

I always figured that for someone to hit this pole they would have to have a car full of screaming kids, or be driving a huge car that would be hard to control. I figured wrong. It was a lady in a mini van. The mini van part doesn't suprise me at all, but the fact that it was not full of kids bouncing around was suprising.

I was in mid order when I heard a horrific crunching noise coming from in front of me. I looked up, and her door was grinding against the pole. The pole refused to yield. The lady let go of the wheel and yelled "aack!" This threw me off of my game. I lost my ordering rhythm. I was distracted by the lady leaning out of her van door looking down on what she had done. She had cut the turn waaaay to early, and now was trying to back off the barrier. I repeated that I wanted a "plain" cheesburger, not a "painful" cheeseburger to the girl taking orders.

The accident was made even more horrific by the fact that the van was a gleeming white. Now it looked like a brown Buick had sideswiped it. She dislodged the family sedan and proceeded to the window. She mentioned nothing about the crash to the kid taking money. I know this because I asked him. He just looked at me. I just remember thinking that he had a tremendous amount of rubber bands on his braces.

I started to pull out of the drive thru and I remember wondering how exactly you report that to the insurance company. I mean, it's not like the pole is going to jump out in front of you while going 60 mph. (See Deer Story below.) Then I noticed that they had forgotten my straw for my drink, how annoying.

Ha, suckers

Dear iPod Stealer,

Thanks for breaking the window of my truck. I sure hope that you didn't cut yourself on all of the glass. It was great driving to work in 18 degree weather. It was such a rush! I just imagined I was in the Iditorod Sled Dog race, mushing my loyal companions to work.

Oh, there is something I should let you know. That iPod's hard drive is shot. It will cost you $250 to fix. It's not normal for an iPod to click constantly and heat up to about 200 degrees. The people at The Apple Store will be glad to help you. Just ask them where the Genius Bar is. Oh, a genius is someone who is smart, or someone that you will never be confused for. If they ask for a receipt, just tell them you'll try to steal it later and bring it back. Also, you forgot the headphones, sportwatch, and expensive protein powder that were sitting right next to the broken iPod. Let me know if you are interested. Those items are related to exercise, so I'm starting to understand why you left them.

In parting, thanks again for letting me experience the rush of artic air on the way to work. And in case you are curious yes, my new video iPod is awesome and no you can't borrow it.

Craig

This has got to stop

What the hell is with the naked guy in the locker room? I would rather stand next to someone on fire than some naked hairy dude at the gym. Are you that person? Stop it. Or at least hurry the hell up and get dressed. Don't stop and watch the tv, don't adjust your watch, get dressed. I can't possible be expected to bend over and get my gym bag when you are pulling this stunt. I am imprisoned by your nakedness.