Shelob Visits

This morning I was, getting ready for work when I looked up and saw a fairly large spider sliding down from the ceiling. I wasn't scared of the thing, but have been bitten before, I figured I'd rather not have it in my bathroom.

The problem was that I was in mid shower. So, I started flicking water up at it. After several attempts, I succeeded in forcing him to beat a retreat back up his strand. Only after about 3 or 4 inches back upwards, his resolve stiffened, and he started back down. I returned to flicking water again in between trying to finish my shower. It was: wash, flick-flick, rinse, flick-flick... I was trying my best to keep him in the air and out of my shoes.

This was working fine until I glanced around the curtain and noticed I was soaking my fresh roll of toilet paper and peppering a book that I had just bought, not to mention the clothes I had set out to put on.

So, I finished my shower, leaned out, grabbed the Dave Chappelle edition of Esquire, rolled it up, and whacked his ass... right towards my clean clothes. I thought, "Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me?" A debate raged in my head on whether I had hit it hard enough to kill it, or just stun it, or just piss it off. Taking no chances, now running a little behind schedule, I shook the hell out of all of my clothes before I put them on.

So far, I haven't felt any bites or anything, so maybe Chappelle got the job done.

Waterfall Update

My on again, off again relationship with the office building waterfall continues.

I noticed yesterday that it didn't sound like it was pouring cats and dogs outside. I looked out, and the huge waterfall across the street had been turned off. Evidently, Hyde Park residents DO NOT tolerate their cars getting doused by a fake office building waterfall for long.

Now, if you want to tear down local neighborhoods...

I Think My Brothers Are Too Funny

"Neil says that I talk about work too much, but I'm going to anyway."

-Ryan B.

Who The Hell Steals a Dog?

It all started just the other day, when I noticed that the grass out in front of my apartment was getting obnoxiously high. I mean, like a foot tall.

So I called the landlord's assistant, Rosemary, and asked if the maintenance guy, John, was going to cut the grass. I also inquired about the status of him installing my window unit a/c. (I had requested the a/c be installed a week or so ago, but made the mistake of mentioning that it wasn't anything urgent.) She informed me that he was getting around to it, and that the grass would be cut soon. I was really trying to not be that pain in the ass renter, but the grass was embarrassingly high. So high, that I had noticed that the neighbors had stopped letting their dog go to the bathroom in it for what I thought was a fear of losing it in the brush. This was a little bit of a good thing, I didn't have to warn Hannah about the turds normally awaiting her arrival to my place.

Later that day I came home to the sound of a lawn mower hacking it's way through the 5x20 patch of grass that posed as our front yard. My cordial wave hello was returned by what I swear was a dirty look. I stopped and said hi to my dog loving neighbors on my way up. They assumed that I was the one who called and "got John out there" to mow. I told them that it was crazy high, and that they couldn't even let there dog out the front anymore, and that's when they dropped the bomb...

Someone had stolen their dog, and that is why I hadn't seen it in the front yard lately. My neighbors choked up as they related the story to me. Evidently, Larry had walked with his beloved poodle down to the Speedway to get some cigs. As he was inside, someone picked up the dog and ran off with it. I glanced over at Chris and noticed how pained he was. I'm not really a dog lover, but this really angered me. Who would steal someone's dog? It wasn't some pure bred or anything, just a cute little poodle. I looked Larry in the eye and said, "If I ever find out who stole Buttercup, I will kick their ass." And I meant it.

I walked up the stairs and proceeded to install the a/c my damn self. I figure that if the unit falls out window and onto one of the ever smiling Mexican guys that live next door, that's the landlord's fault.

More background people

Here's a new picture of Hannah with her cousing Taylor. I took them to Skyline the other day. I am again also interested in the local West Chester resident in the background. I think that he is either getting ready to enjoy an oyster cracker, or is kind of sad or something.

Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls...

The other day I was really bummed because it was raining and I couldn't take my old car out for a ride to see if all the work I had done on it was still holding up. When I got home from work it wasn't raining too hard just sprinkling really, but after a while it was just pouring. I laid on my couch and just watched tv.

Well, after an hour or so of pouring rain, I looked out the window, and it didn't look like it was raining at all. I went out front and noticed that the sound that I took as a steady soaking rain was really just the office building's new waterfall that they had started up. I felt duped. The water actually gets blown off the faux rocks and onto the cars sitting at the stoplight, which is unfortunate, because the light takes about 20 minutes to turn green.

You can barely make out the water fall in this picture, they turn on these blue lights at night. I have been told that I am lucky, and that it's like I have my own personal waterfall in my front yard, but I can't help but remember how we got off on the wrong foot.

Fairlane Update

Well, after many hours, a few cuss words, and even a few prayers, the big Ford is on her feet again. Overall, things went pretty smoothly. Nothing outrageous happened, and me and Scott got along great during the whole build. I've posted a few pictures to show the progress.

Here's Scott working on the new motor. If you look closely in the left of the picture is Harry. Harry is Scott's 80 year old neighbor who would periodically stop by and offer his "encouragement". Well, it was more like criticism or tough love. He is a really nice guy who evidently is sick and tired of how the local kids drive way to fast down his alley. Oh, and he swears he saw a pack of 15 (yes 15) cats last night in the same alley, and a single white squirrel in his front yard one day. We were really glad that he wasn't around when we had to pull the radiator back out to install the fan because we figured he'd say, "Well, I would never had made that mistake."
















Here's me checking out the motor before we try and fire it up. It took a little bit of tweaking, but once the distributor was dailed in, it started right up. I was very relieved. Then, after 3 seconds, it died. After a quick check, I realized that I hadn't hooked up the fuel line.















Finally up and running, late into the night. But so far worth all the work. Oh, and yeah, I took off the bumper, problem with that??

Kabaka, what a wookie...

I heard that there was a shooting outside of city hall yesterday, but I'm pretty sure that it was just teenagers popping balloons.

Oh yeah. Rumor has it that the guy that shot him was spotted in the hospital yesterday around 4:30 looking to finish the guy off. There were about 50 police officers around here about that time.

Adrenaline Flunkie

A while back I watched an episode of "Jack Osbourne- Adrenaline Junkie." This kid couldn't run 40 feet without being gassed, but he was training to climb some mountain somewhere. Well, to get into shape, he decides to dip his toe into Mui Thai boxing. Now if you didn't know, that is a great way to get your ass kicked in a hurry if you don't know what you are doing (and he doesn't).

Well, I decided that it would be cool to see him get his ass served to him, so I stuck with it. The guy he was fighting was this older dude with a record of 150-30 or something. The old guy punched pretty hard, but rocked the Mui Thai muffin top.

Finally, they fought, and I swear, to my bitter disappointment the old guy took a dive. I felt ripped off. But I envied the guy for playing along. I doubt he had any real idea who Jack was. Maybe he would have dropped him if he had known, though.

Here's Jack in training. Things didn't look like they'd go his way, I thought.

Here's the fight. Jack looks in better shape, the other guy is a little chubby, but I would still figure he'd kick his ass. Jack just touched him on the chin, and down he went, kind of smirking I thought. An hour of build up for that. Note the 'hawk.

Oh well. I never saw another episode. I figured that if he couldn't climb the mountain, they'd just helicopter his ass up there like he did it anyway.

Soccer Day, AKA: A 7 Year Old's Weekly Nightmare

I believe that the West Chester Soccer League's rule book mentions somewhere to never cancel a game no matter what Mother Nature throws at them. They will play in any condition; rain, snow, 20 degree weather with 50mph winds... The latter is the category that last Saturday fell into.

My seven year little girl however, does not share their dedication. The warmth we felt in the truck tricked her into getting her soccer equipment on and out onto the field. She immediately knew that this just wasn't her bag, and it was a struggle to keep her in the game. She did eventually finish, and played one of her better games.
Here she is in the line where they do drills. I think you can tell she is just moments from running off and towards me. Out 100 girls that showed up that day, she hath protest the loudest of all of them about being made to play in the cold. Keep it real, girl.
Here is a picture I took afterwards at Steak n' Shake. I'm just fascinated by the snarling kid that happened to be in the background.

The Fairlane Project

Well, after many miles and many cases of oil, the motor in the Fairlane finally started to give out. It spun a bearing, and if you don't know what that means, don't worry, just hope it doesn't happen to you.

But, me and my friend Scott have chosen to rebuild the old girl, and with lots of luck, and probably just as much cash, hopefully she'll be up on her feet again in no time. I have chosen to document the procedure here, and hopefully it will end in success, not like that show on TLC the other day "Face Eating Tumor," where they flashed a 3 second screen of text coldly letting me know that the kid died like 5 days after the cameras left.

Here I am looking over the hurt motor one last time before we get started. Can you tell that I am just a littled saddened?

Fast forward 3 hours, and here I am at the controls of the hoist, lifting the engine out of the car. I'm trying not to scratch anything, but that's the way it goes, Lefty.

The end of day one. The motor is out, and the Fairlane awaits her new heart. Hopefully the one we have runs right, or it's going to be a long couple of weeks.

T9

Just learned T9 text messaging. It may change my life. Or save me a few minutes a day. Check it out.

www.t9.com

Down with the ATL

So, decided to go down to Newport on the Levee Friday to enjoy some gourmet pizza. Hilarity ensued.

As I sat on the bench waiting for a seat at Dewey's, a slow tidal wave of teenagers started surrounding me and the bench I was sitting on. They would jump on the benches around us yelling at their friends below and above, and get into constant playful shoving matches with the opposite sex. I believe I counted 100 pairs of Timberlands, and an equal amount of jerseys. I also noticed several girls awkwardly learning how to walk in heels on the fly.

I felt a little bit like when I'm in a cramped elevator. I didn't feel threatened or anything, just crowded. So I decided to wait in the restaurant for my seat. A few minutes later, the crowd started screaming and yelling. A fight had obviously broken out on the lower level. It seemed to go on for a long time, so I decided to walk out to the railing and check out the fun and see how the mall security had decided to deal with it. Two steps out of the place that "takes pizza to the next level" a huge BANG!! rang out, and the fun was over. Pandemonium ruled. Screaming teenagers ran by me, looking for safety in the stores. A large lady scooped up her two dazed kids under each arm, running in place, looking for somewhere to hide. I eyed her now vacant seats at the bar. I thought better of it and followed the store employees into the back room. Two hostesses were in tears. I looked down, and two teenagers were on the ground, alternately laughing hysterically, and crying. One kept saying "Why people gotta be stupid?" I said, "I don't know," as I looked around the corner to see if the large lady's spot at the bar was still open.

Things gradually simmered down, and the big lady reclaimed her seats. After waiting about an hour or so for a seat, I finally got to order my Hawaiian pizza. I was disappointed that they didn't put cinnamon on it. I asked the server if the Levee was always like this now, and she promised me it wasn't as another fight broke out down the stairs from where our seat was. She explained that it was the premiere of T.I.'s movie, "ATL" and that it was also the first day of spring break. She also told us that "Ice Age" was also premiering that night.

A third fight erupted down the hall on my way back to the parking lot. I figured Starbucks was out of the question.

I heard the next day that authorities were claiming that someone had popped a balloon at the mall, and that was the sound I heard. I remember being at Applebee's a couple of times when balloons have "gone off" and I don't remember patrons screaming for their lives, running for the exits. I also don't recall a clown face painting and twisting balloons into kitten shapes at the Levee that night. I have heard balloons pop, and I have heard gun shots, and that sound was no balloon. But what do I know, mall security guards are the experts, right?

The Oakley Laundromat

Included in the sights of the Oakley Laundromat are the cliffhanging cigarettes that bravely dangle from the lips of the ladies who work there. I am always curious about what people think when they receive their "clean" clothes and they smell like a pack of smoked Basics. "That's what they get," is what I think to myself.

Here is the sign posted on the dryers used at the 'mat. I always thought this sign was a little unnecessary, but after stopping and looking around at my fellow patrons, maybe it isn't such a bad idea.

Here is my laundry, obediently tumbling away. If you look closely, you can see the 3 year old and his puppy that I forgot to take out of the dryer before I started my load.

And finally, here is the vending machine that stole my dollar.

Wet shoes and broken glass

Behind my house where I grew up was a small creek that served as the official playground of me and my brothers. It also doubled as a great place for the stupid to get into trouble.

I was down in the creek throwing rocks at things my brother placed on the wall of the bridge above me. He would warn me when cars would be coming by, and I would wait and then resume throwing rocks over the bridge. Well, the patience of an 8 year old wears thin in a hurry, and I started cutting my throws closer and closer as cars drove past.

He warned me of a van coming, but I threw anyway. My rock sailed high, and I heard the most sickening sound a kid throwing rocks could imagine, breaking glass. Back then, I wasn't one for facing the consequences of my actions (or now, some would argue), so I turned and bolted, leaving my brother stranded on the bridge. I figured he could handle himself, and if we split up, they'd never catch us both.

I ran through the creek and back towards the woods as fast as I could. I risked a sprained ankle with every step. My shoes were starting to get soaked with creek water, something which my mother would surely kill me for if the van people didn't beat her to it. Oddly, John Couger's "Hurt So Good" sprung into my head as I continued on. (It was the big song of the day.)

The fate of my brother weighed upon me as I cut through the back of the Marsh grocery store that housed the Pac Man machine. I also wondered how much damage I had caused the van. Was it the headlight? The windshield? Surely they were taking out their wrath on my poor brother. I prayed that he had ran and escaped, and was not in the hands of the same authorities that hassled me for my firework display earlier in the year.

Pouring sweat, I returned home. I was exhausted, and my shoes were still soaked. There were no cruisers in the driveway, a good sign. I slowly opened the screen door and poked my head inside. I spotted my brother sitting on the couch enjoying cartoons with a bowl of cereal in his lap. I asked, "What happened?! How'd you get away? Did you run?!" To which he replied, "Naaaah. They just kept drivin'."

Chipotle Tried To Kill Me

If what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, then I should be freaking bullet proof.

It started Thursday night while watching Mystic River on HBO. Since they seem to show the same movies on a continuous loop, I figured I could swing by Chipotle and come back and watch what I missed. I mean it's soooo f'ing obvious that Tim Robbins killed that poor girl, jeez.

So, I got behind the the most annoying couple in Hyde Park (and that's saying something) and settled in for my burrito order. Those two were so demanding and weird, I wanted to throw a basketball at their heads before I got to the cheese section of the line. The normal girl in front of me even stated that she was "flustered" when she paid her tab. So it's not just me, ok?

Anyway. So I enjoyed half my burrito and put the other half away for lunch the next day. That was at about 8:30pm. Well, I might as well have eaten uranium. I woke up at 2, 3, and then finally at 4:30am, and, well, I'll spare you the details. It's not what you think though, my stomach was thrown into reverse.

Well, I had thrown up for the first time in years. I experienced that 5 minute period after barfing that you feel pretty good, and then started feeling like hell again. My stomach just kept burning. I had to call into work, and I'm still not completely over it yet. I even briefly thought about having the uneaten half of my burrito analyzed at some lab that does that kind of thing.

And whaaa? Robbins DIDN'T kill her??? I'm seeing 6 figures, Chipotle.

Wedding Crashers Sucked

I rented Wedding Crashers last night. I didn't get past the 16 minute mark. I was told this movie was hilarious. Since when is dancing with old ladies and eating cake with your mouth open funny? I turned it off and watched CSI.

Oh, and for some reason whenever I go to Blockbuster a message pops up that my account is on hold. They then call the North College Hill store and they tell them that it is a mistake. This has happened about 10 times. I told them to call them and cuss them out for me, but they refuse to do so. North College Hill never has an explanation for this, they just say to remove the hold. But, it always pops up again.

Anyone have a movie to recommend? Let me know.

Gaaaaazing

Since I am not done mentally editing my most recent life event, (My trip to the Wal Mart that resembled the Superdome.) I have chosen to share a few of my deep observations.

1. I've heard that King Kong could have been shortened by 1/2 an hour if they only would have cut out all the "gazing." At first I though she said "dancing," and I said, "There is a lot of dancing in King Kong?" And she said "No, gaaazing, you know like staring into each others eyes?" My friend Scott said that we are lucky that it wasn't 6 hours with that Lord of the Rings guy directing it.

2. I see lots of people buying six packs of Old Milwaukee Beer in my local Marathon at 6 in the morning. I was wondering if they were planning ahead for the evening, or were just alcoholics. The early polls of Bloggers named Craig say alcoholics.

3. I will wait until my windshield wipers are practically shredded before I change them. I will try to see out the postage stamp sized area that they actually clean for me. It's not that I get attached to them or sentimental, I'm just too lazy to go to Autozone to get new ones.

Lunch Discussion 12/23/05

What do some of the people responsible for saving your life at the hospital talk about during lunch? Well I'll tell ya.

We all decided that it was "bullshit" that we were having to work today given that Christmas Eve was tomorrow and hardly anyone else had to work.

The debate raged on about why Brad chose Angelina over Jen. Angelina was considered a skank by most, but I countered that Jen was probably a prude. I said that he chose Angelina because she was more of a freak. The girls said that maybe Jen was a closet freak. I said that she may have been at first, but then dialed it down after she settled into the relationship. Brooke still cannot be convinced to make out with ANY chick, not even Angelina.

The discussion then moved onto the grossess of public pools. Brooke refuses to swim in public pools because water that has been in contact with people's buttholes can come into contact with her mouth. A unanimous decision was reached that this was really disgusting. I then recouinted the time I was little and swimming in Wilson Pool near my house and saw a turd underwater. The effectiveness of Chlorine was doubted.

Another mentioned that they would like to go to Kings Island's water park one time, but I said that I'm pretty sure only hillbillies go there. I then stated that The Beach Waterpark is getting old and slimey.

End of lunch.

The Flying Dentures

There are a few things that 8 year olds find absolutely hilarious, that adults don't find funny at all.

We were cruising in our killer van with Cragar mags. My dad had decided that the regular van seating was too expensive when he bought it, but had no problem ponying up the dough for the Cragars. Me and my brothers were sitting in the black love seat my dad had wedged into the back for us.

All was right in the world until he leaned out the window to sneeze, and his false teeth flew out the freaking window and onto the street. Me and my brothers went crazy. It was pandemonium. It's not every day that you see your dad's teeth fly by the window. We were bouncing up on the couch like chimps trying to see the dentures on the road.

This did not strike my father as funny at all. He slammed on the brakes, and pulled a U turn. He was going back to retrieve his teeth. We were told to "shut up, sit down."

I figured that they would be in a thousand pieces, but they weren't. They were barely scathed. I'm pretty sure that he glued them back together and went on with his business. The teeth lasted until the unfortunate day the front wheel flew off his ten speed.